My stated intention for the past weekend was to catch up on writing this blog so that it could correspond a little better to the week we are experiencing. Right now I’m writing about Intention in Resources Week, so I have obviously missed the mark! I watched my alignment to that intention take a detour as early as Friday morning, when I encountered new information about many possibilities for the weekend. I became aware that I would be making choices that went against my earlier intention, and I was also going to have to say no to at least 3 things I really wanted to do.
As I sit down to write on this Monday morning, I feel satisfaction and joy about the choices I made this weekend. I didn’t get as far as I would have liked in my writing, but I had a great weekend. In the past, I might/would have been sitting at my computer feeling guilty about the things I hadn’t done that I said I was going to do. My ORM practice provides a level of thought organization and support that helps me easily keep my focus. Grounded in my values, and my ideals, it helps me determine which of the many intentions I dream up in a day I am actually going to pursue beyond a loose outline.
Our intentions can tell us a lot about ourselves if we pay close attention to them. If our attention to them is minimal, we often find ourselves feeling disappointed and guilty as if we had lined them up as actual goals. Intention, defined, is a determination to act a certain way. Most of us know ourselves well enough to recognize that our determination takes thought, with some energy behind it. When we miss the ‘putting energy behind it’ part, we have already taken a step away from its success, naturally. We rarely acknowledge that part. We don’t often take the time to consider how much effort we put into making a thing happen. If we only had a fleeting thought about it, we might still trick ourselves into thinking that we had an intention towards it. We don’t go back and remember all of the other thoughts that were more pressing at the time unless we have an intention to do so that is backed up by actually doing it as a regular practice..
When we have pulled apart our intentions so we can tell them apart from our thoughts and feelings, we begin the process of Aligning to the Intentions ( more about that in Week 11), but for now, we will focus on intention identification. What do our thoughts, feelings and behaviors reveal about our true intentions? The simple answer is found in this question, where do you spend most of your time--Physically and Mentally? These are the indicators of where your subconscious intentions lie. If you don’t enjoy spending time in either of those places, they probably aren’t aligned with your values, and they’ll have a hard time supporting your ideals. Without realizing it, this underlying incongruent energy is working against you, making it more difficult to not only line up, but to actually identify your intentions.
After writing the last four paragraphs, I took a break and went to play disc golf with someone I love dearly, even though lately we’ve had a hard time seeing eye to eye. I had set an intention before arrival to stay calm no matter where the conversation went. I’ve been told my energy can seem aggressive when I’m bothered. It doesn’t ever seem that way to me, but I have heard it enough that I’m going to trust the information and do my best to physically present my actual intention--to be receptive and reach understanding, but also to hold my ground around my own boundaries. I’m solid with my soul energy in this relationship, even though my intentions are often mistaken. My ego is where it can get shaky, because that part of me feels a very strong need to defend my intentions.
By setting an intention (calmness) and knowing that it was aligned to some of my core values (wholeness, acceptance, listening, communicating, understanding), I was able to stay grounded with my heart open, even when things eventually went sideways. This has NEVER been a skill I possessed until Our Raw Material. In the past I’ve often been the one to lose it when I can’t land my perspective for consideration. I would also like to point out that it was really hot outside and we were both sweaty and tired. He had an ear infection to boot and I knew he was playing with some pain, but powering through it. I remained aware of all of those conditions as he grew angry, yelled at me and left. I played one more hole and walked the rest of the way to the car. Did I mention how hot it was? His car was still there, but he wasn’t, even though he had taken off before me and I had meandered a bit on the way back. I was concerned enough about the heat and the ear infection to want to make sure he was okay so I sent a text. No response.
I sat in my car with the air on, changed my shoes and spent some time breathing. I thought about the many misunderstandings we have had before and how we have always gotten through them, even when I was as triggered as he was. I revamped my intention to include finding him before I left, just on the slim chance something had happened to him. I didn’t want to put on my shoes. I didn’t want to walk back out there. Did I mention the hot part enough yet? I decided to drive to the bathroom and then take the long walk back through the course. I sent him another text saying I didn’t want to leave without making sure he was good and I was surprised to receive one back, until I realized it wasn’t intended for me. It was from him, but he was telling someone else that he was going to wait until I left before he approached the parking lot.
I was grateful that he was okay and beyond happy that I didn’t have to put my shoes back on OR get back out in the heat. I stayed true to my intentions and the universe had my back. Without that mis-text, I would have been looking for a while. I don’t believe on any level that I ‘earned’ the favor of the universe that I received. My belief stems more from the idea that I cleared the way enough for me to see it. The more I find myself intending to hold space for challenging situations, the more I feel connected to our deeper roots, and the easier it becomes to hold the space. I enjoy ‘knowing better and doing better’ because I can do it with an open heart, not because the person or situation ‘deserves’ or ‘doesn’t deserve’ my patience and attention. Many times my efforts are not appreciated in real time, because it is such a contrast to the anticipated or expected resistance that it can be unsettling from the depths of the soul/ego scale. I understand and accept this fact.
When I started writing this blog this morning, I intended to talk about different kinds of intentions, conscious and unconscious. I wasn’t sure how my day was going to unfold, and I was happy leaving it open for whatever showed up after I finished my blog. When the call came to play (and I was only four paragraphs in), I had the flexibility to shift my intentions. Little did I know, I was about to encounter a big lesson in maintaining my intentions while experiencing personal triggers, and I would meet it successfully. Yes, he is still angry with me, but we have a storied history of overcoming arguments. They feel more productive now because I'm no longer adding fuel to the fire. My intentions are no longer driven by my emotions and I’m not making decisions on the fly about future intentions that aren’t rooted or grounded--just stirred and active.
I’m not sure I’ve fully realized all of the lessons that were presented to me today, but I intend to put additional thought to them as I use my breath to clear the residual feelings that are trying to find a space to land in my body. It’s easy to spot them now, and I truly enjoy the process of breathing through the sticky stuff and sending it on its way. I believe it’s what we were intended to do with these bodies from the beginning. We have just forgotten some of our coolest common intentions and abilities.
I can feel my own growth--growth that I have been intending for my life for the past year. I feel it in my ability to offer love to people and situations that aren’t willing and/or able to give it back, and I get a tremendous exchange of positive energy from the universe for being present to absorb the ‘shock’ and transform its energy by breathing it out. The drumbeat of our common energy that began as a barely audible distant beat from within my body has resonated throughout my thinking, shaking the bones of ORM from its ancient slumber, and making its way back into our conscious intentions, allowing us hold that space with soul strength and personal boundaries, not find ourselves triggered by our ego’s assertion that someone else’s behavior is ‘unacceptable’. My intention for this week? Keep listening to the opinions of my ego and find ways to marry them to the responsibilities of my soul, even when the task seems difficult. When our soul is engaged in our process, meeting our intentions becomes a lot less of a task and more of an adventure.