Listening to Radiant Revelations About Our Own Raw Material

I haven’t taken a yoga class for at least two years, but last weekend I was offered the chance to slip into someone’s spot at a retreat in Iowa (she had to bow out last minute). Out of practice and having never done that much yoga all at once, I sat on the fence about going, searching for the ‘right' decision about my time. I had just returned from an amazing, unexpected trip to Miami to see Taylor Swift (What?!), so it felt overly indulgent to leave again so quickly. Plus, I could think of a hundred other things I could/should do with my weekend instead. My monkey mind was in overdrive, and those thoughts muffled my ability to hear the most essential truth of the matter: A beautiful gift had landed in my lap, and I was seriously considering rejecting it. Hi.

Everything from fairness and responsibility to my yogability and desire weighed in on my choice. It was only later when I realized what I had missed: I did not put any thought towards what I could gain by going. That part I glossed over and assumed, because -duh! - it’s obviously good, right?! Today, I can see that oversight as part of an old, patterned habit of mine. The one where I already know a thing and so I don’t approach it with a beginner's mind so I can learn something new about it.

Imagining great things improves our mental state and helps us make more beneficial choices. Thanks to my friend Andrea for offering me this powerful retreat, because without her unbridled, prodding excitement, I wouldn’t have made the trip. I wouldn’t have seen it last week, but I wasn’t listening from my soul – I was just assuming that it was covered, which left my intentions wide open to every feeling that passed through. I was only hearing my ego’s monkey mind.

The story of how Andrea hurt herself relaxing on the first day is hers to tell, but I’m giving it a mention because it changed the tone of the retreat for both of us. Had I known she'd be injured ahead of time, I wouldn’t have gone. Which means I would have missed receiving the abundance of knowledge and self-awareness that accompanied my solo journey. With Andrea’s body refusing to participate, we were each forced to look deeper into the purpose and meaning behind this bizarre challenge and why we were there, individually. For her part, it was a lot of internal work. For mine: let’s just say my lessons were all over the board! 

The Universe works in its own funky way, and it is our resistance to its natural course that shapes our emotional landscapes. This sudden shift in conditions gave me a great gift: an understanding of how empowering it can be to have your basic expectations yanked from your agenda. I was able to move through these sudden changes, fully aware of how they bothered me, while also allowing them to simply be part of what is, and enjoy the ride – breathing with intention as often as I remember to do so. #lifepractice.

Post-retreat, I can easily recognize several limiting belief patterns that I wouldn't have even noticed beforehand. I might have even argued against them! For starters, our classes all centered around the theme Radiant Revelations, and I’ll admit right here that the name wasn’t a draw for me – almost the opposite, actually. Once I noticed my distaste and thought about why it was there, I began to see that the word 'revelation’ brings up some uncomfortable feelings for me, going back to when I was a teenager. I was surprised to realize that I usually skip over its use without much reflection – the result of an old protective mechanism that I had never consciously let go… Once I made that connection, it was easy to drop my resistance and lean into what I could learn about it. Revelation got a clean slate!

Each teacher incorporated the phrase Radiant Revelations into their class design, sharing their own spin on what it means to them, and I could actually feel those perspectives opening up my own viewpoint. It felt great to welcome new meaning for the word revelation and feel my clear breathing surround it with love. The word ‘radiant’ has also gained an elevated status, because it also has so many new attachments. Put together, this phrase moved me in several wonderful ways - emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. By the end of the weekend, I can report a complete 180° on my previously held opinion. Right now, the concept brings tears of joy straight from my still-open heart. Becoming aware of our own resistance is one of our best forms of personal release, period. 

Resistances are natural. We perform them every day without any real physical awareness that we are doing it, because it is so normal for us. Our bodies get tense and certain muscles contract, which makes us search harder for easy breath. This often produces a sharp inhale as a resulting behavior. It seems like something we would easily notice in ourselves, right? But we don’t – unless we go looking for it. People are always amazed when they feel how much tension they are holding that they didn’t even realize was having an effect on them. Every time I go look for tight spots, I am surprised by how much tension I hold, even when I feel relaxed.

A yoga retreat provides access to many different teachers, and I decided to focus my energy on learning what I could about my own learning – where I am pliable and where I am resistant. After a class on Grief Yoga (where I was confident I would be working with my Dad), I fully experienced my relationships with some living people from a place of grief, which I did not anticipate. I’ll point out the obvious pattern where my mind is blown with all of these new insights that seem so simple, but they just hadn’t occurred to me yet. At the very least, I can see them now, and I find myself in awe of the unknown with less fear than I have felt in the past. I do not consider myself a fearful person, but I can see the patterns of old fears in my beliefs. Dare I say, it is now exciting to untangle it all?!

Listening to my own ignorance all weekend has unlocked another new root of my own understanding by making its presence known, without question; propelling my growth and participation without my consent, but with my gratitude. During my final class – about yoga philosophy – I felt an audible ‘click’ that resonated throughout my brain, as if it was just powering up for the day. I’ve never felt like that before, so at first I didn’t know what feeling it attached to… this space used to be reserved for something fear-based, as far as I can tell. Instead, I felt a deep sense of gratitude. Except for Andrea, I didn’t find anyone who wasn’t appreciating every second of what was happening for them. Her journey is hers, and being the exception that proves the rule is its own vibe. Love that girl!

Gratitude is one of humanity’s greatest tools, and we definitely hear a lot about its importance in our lives right now. What we are each grateful for differs person to person, but it’s a safe bet that every single day, we are each grateful for something. Even if it is simply watching something tragic on the news and thinking, “I’m glad that didn’t happen to me”, our current collective beliefs about gratitude are beautifully well-intentioned. They ask us to look deeply when we need to, as we find even the smallest things to appreciate each and every day. The power of gratitude is growing and reaching new heights every day.

Grief and Gratitude have danced through my life this year in the most unexpected ways, and I find myself in deep awe of their polarizing combo. It’s hard to pinpoint the style or the flavor of their combined movements, but I want to share that it feels more real and more grounded than gratitude alone. Weird, right? Generally, we use gratitude to appreciate the good things in our lives, big and small. As a practice, gratitude also creates the space to appreciate the challenges (and even traumas) we face as well. What if we were suddenly able to welcome our difficulties with love instead of fear? We could see what we gain, along with what we lose, as an objective habit! Our collective connotation gains deeper meaning…

Approaching different languages, I generally learn the words that mean something to me for some reason, and I don’t focus very far beyond vocabulary. I think that’s why I like Sanskrit so much  – there are over 30 words that describe learning! Each word has so much conceptual meaning, and it takes some measure of time and study to truly grasp the meaning. Then, once you feel like you’ve gained an understanding, your mind is offered different ways to challenge that same understanding with even more brilliant insight. Like the physical movements in yoga’s practice, our awareness takes on different forms every day. This all depends on how we feel, physically - but also emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Each of those areas can (will) have an effect on how flexible our bodies and our minds are able to be at any given time.

Yoga Okaboji’s Radiant Revelations Retreat set me straight on a few things, and allowed me to develop added flexibility around my own belief system. We each live with certain limitations as a result of our own beliefs, and we will all spend our lives reimagining them, one way or another. This is a large part of our human conditioning and a big reason why we don’t see eye to eye on important issues. It is our willingness to listen, learn and grow, even when we feel like we are already as grateful as we can possibly be, because there is always more waiting for our discovery, just around each bend and twist…