Resolving Conflict: A Toolkit

Many of us spend a lot of time trying to avoid conflict in our lives, whether we are aware of it or not. (There’s clearly another set of us who appear to live for conflict, but that group will not be the focus of this particular blog, though I promise to untangle that energy soon). As humans, we have developed a collective belief that conflict will bring pain and suffering that we would rather not feel, and it isn’t hard to let our focus be pulled to something more pleasing, even when we are fully aware that the conflict will not generally resolve on its own. Depending on the specific circumstances, this can cause us to unknowingly breed energetic debris - trapping feelings of shame, guilt and general negativity in our bodies. I totally get it: It can feel easier to avoid the things that will create “issues”. Putting off challenging conversations, choices, and situations has become a natural human response to the also-pressing need to meet and change our stickiest situations. Conflict is supposed to make us uncomfortable as a means for transformation. It exists in nature as in humans, but as humans, our brain is in the mix, which can often distort the intentions around the conflict to the point that we can’t see it’s purpose or the ways resolving it might actually enhance our lives.

Our human tool kit didn’t show up with instructions or labels on the tools (either that or we seem to have lost them along the way!). At times, we can’t even recognize that there is probably real help available to us because we are focused on the very things that keep us from handling our conflicts. This is especially true when we are feeling stressed or living with trauma, and even more so if the ghost of an old trauma is still rattling around our psyche. In that mode, our values, ideals and intentions take a backseat to our swirling emotions as we try to demand the things we deserve in an effort to set and/or protect our personal boundaries. This behavior, while developed naturally, frequently pushes us further into stirring the conflict when we mean to do the exact opposite. As we establish a safe practice to evaluate our personal and collective conflicts from an objective viewpoint, we begin to see how getting to the other side of the conflict is beneficial and in certain instances, fully cathartic. Conflict takes stuck energy and moves it along to its next form, whatever that metamorphosis may bring. Watch the process for a while. Notice how emotion supersedes reasoning when it doesn’t have grounded, present awareness of the values and intentions around the obstacle.

Right now, I am facing a personal conflict dilemma in my own life. As I write this, I am fully aware that I need to make a decision immediately and work with the challenges of that choice. On the one hand, it’s Wholeness Week and I’m still writing about Conflict Week. If you’re following this with MATH that means I’m 4 weeks behind with writing (yep). Getting caught up on writing is an easier path, but to be honest, probably serves my Ego Energy more than my Soul Energy. It’s something I REALLY need to do for my ongoing commitment to promoting the practice of Our Raw Material. The other avenue involves spending a good part of the weekend revisiting a several-years-old-conflict, where I have no idea or control over what might happen.

I have been practicing ORM for a couple years now and in many ways, the specific timing of this particular conflict coming back right now, feels something like facing an Energetic Healing Doctorate. For those who don’t know me, I was born when the moon was in the sign of cancer, which at its worst means that for 2.5 days per month I don’t have the best ability to reason (read: may present as bat-shit crazy without warning and/or the ability to recognize it in the moment. Sounds fun. no?). The moon will be in cancer for the next 2.5 days, which adds volatility to the complexity of the challenge, and if I’m ego-honest, I’m not sure I fully trust myself to stick with my intentions and not let my emotions run the show. It’s obviously the choice my soul would like to tackle, and I recognize that it’s something I’d like to clear from my body as I transmute its energy into something I can use to help others.

Update: I met my tough challenge head-on and came through it with a deeper awareness of my purpose at both the ego level and the soul level, which is satisfying beyond words. When I separated my emotions from my intentions and gave each its own space, I was able to clearly discern how my ego/soul balance was challenged on many levels by this long-standing conflict. My age, disc golf skill set, approach to competition, physical strength, endurance, flexibility, mental acuity, ability to focus, breath control, compassion, perception of humanity, ability to forgive and capacity to accept things I don’t like were all examined and questioned ad nauseum. I feel fantastic about the outcome, even though I have no way of truly knowing what comes next. I have new spaces cleared where that old debris had collected. This ground is fertile with collective and personal ideals, ready to align with the next set of intentions I set on it’s horizon. I genuinely look forward to the growth and expansion that embracing conflict with intention can create. Whether it is internal, external, or societal, conflict can keep us dreaming of ways that we can all know better and do better, naturally, as we take care of our own spaces with ego/soul balance.